X-Men Holiday Rules

This is my old chestnut compiled by myself and a dear old friend.  Decided to dust it off and put it on the mantle next to my Hong Kong Santa.

The Xavier Holiday Rules

1. The mail comes in at 2 p.m. The mail is ready to be dispersed at 4 p.m. No one may touch the mail, i.e., the cards, presents, etc. until Bobby Drake, hereto forth known as The Mail Master is done sorting them under penalty of said Mail Master.

1a. And you are not allowed to take the Mail Masters Santa hat for a very cruel game of Keep Away.

1b. Especially if you are a hot red head. Because you enforce that all girls are gorgeous and cruel and you will ruin me for other girls.

2. When Santa's elves are at work, they must not be disturbed. If they happen to be working in the TV room at the same time as Danger Mouse is on, that's your loss.

2a. Only one person has ever called Wolverine "Santa's elf". They are not currently living. Any questions?

3. Eggnog is of the strong and only for the legal.

3a. No, Bobby, we know that's a fake ID.

3b. Same goes for Kitty, Tabitha, Sam, Berto, Doug and Jubilee.

3c. An no fare waiteng untillll wee r tu derunk to kare...we wll knew n teh morngngn!

4. Tree decoration is on December 20th, in the afternoon, over mulled wine. In the event of supervillain attack, it may be postponed to the morning of the 21st.

4a. Home-made decorations are allowed. However, no decorations may be added that are designed to do any of the following: Explode, implode, open portals to alternate dimensions, broadcast signals to the Mojoverse, radically alter the biochemistry, physiology or mental state of those in proximity, or convince Banshee that the tree is actually Black Tom, back for

vengeance.

4b. While edible decorations may of course be hung on the tree, it is recommended that you hang them at a height greater than six feet and four inches from the ground, this being the maximum height to which certain of the mansion's residents have shown themselves capable of reaching.

5. You are not allowed to sing THAT song. THAT song includes references to "five golden rings" and a partridge who is not David Cassidy.

5a. You are not funny by changing the words to include monkeys mating and ending with "And a bald professor scowling at me!"

Our Wedding Plus Video

One of my dearest and sweetest friends, Elisa, blogged about our wedding (in which she provided a super-heroic amount of help and direction and polish) on her blog, Events by Elisa.  Also, it had the first link to exclusive robot footage of the wedding itself.

Behold.

Want more?  We'll think about it.  It was a very special moment in my life ruined by an umbrella post.

Reasons Why Watching Xanadu is Better than Watching the Republican Debates

In 2004 and 2008, I was a Presidential debate junky. I watched the debates on television, through live streaming video, and listened through podcasts.  That may be close to eighty hours of my life given to Presidential debates.

In 2006, I had discovered Xanadu for the first time.  I watched Xanadu on DVD, laserdisc, and at three different movie theaters.  That may be close to eighty hours of my life given to Xanadu, which does not include my repeated playing of the soundtrack.

Now that it’s 2011 with a Presidential election just a year away and the cast of Republican hopefuls have less chemistry than Olivia Newton-John and Michael Beck, I can’t bring myself to watch the debates.  I would definitely be down to watch Xanadu.

Let’s break it down.

 vs.

Epic battle!

The plot of Xanadu: Failed artist builds a roller-disco after falling in love with a Greek Muse (Olivia Newton-John). Also starring Gene Kelley.

The plot of the Republican Debates: Failed politicians build an image of a thriving America where the rich are taxed less and public programs are shut down. Also starring Ron Paul

Verdict: The idea of an America thriving without the help of Planned Parenthood, special education funding, and Ira Glass is more ludicrous than the idea of a roller-disco.

The star of Xanadu: Who to choose? Music crossover sensation (at the time) Olivia Newton-John? Beloved entertainer Gene Kelley? Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn?

The star of the Republican Debates: Who to choose?  Pizza cross over sensation, Herman Cain, he who hopes that by saying that sexual harassment also happens to men it will happen to him?  Beloved entertainer Rick Perry?  Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn?

Verdict:  It is – and will always be – Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn.

The point in Xanadu where I lose myself:

Click here

The point in the Republican debates where I would have lost myself:

Verdict: Which one had Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn?

When Gene Kelley went to work on Xanadu, he was a professional. As a highly regarded actor and director, Gene Kelley knew Xanadu was not destined for greatness but brought his talents to the fullest while on set and script that had him dance around in a life sized pinball machine. In the end, even with his public disdain for the production values, Xanadu has not tarnished his legacy. 

Verdict: Any cast that has Gene Kelley in it is way more worth my time than any cast that has a guy that earned the nick named “Ass Juice’.

Married & McAwesome Memories

Mr. McAwesome and I look forward to a lifetime of cherished stories that we will tell loudly, drunkly, and pubicly well into our golden years.  Won't you help us collect:

Married & McAwesome Memories

            

My married friends, the Turtledoves, has a story they love to tell.

            “It’s a pink food processor!”

            “It’s pink!”

           

            “We found it on clearance – “

            “Yeah, we found it on clearance!”

            “And we were all, “…huh!  This is on clearance!”

            “We were all huh!”

            “We found a store clerk and asked him, “Uhm, excuse me – why is this on clearance?”

            “And then he said this, he said this – “

            “’It’s pink.’”

            “It’s pink!”

            In the House of McAwesome, we will someday have a story we will love to tell.

            “It’s was an even bigger mess!”

            “Big mess!”

            “It’s cheaper to repair it yourself.”

            “Yeah, we repaired it ourselves.”

            “And she was all, “…huh!  You’re doing it yourself!”

            “She was all…huh…”

            “We then heard a sound and I asked him, “Uhm, excuse me – why did my car do that?”

            “And then I said, I said this – “

            “It’s on fire!

            “It’s…on…fire.”

            We will love to tell this story in a time, hopefully soon, where my car is still not on fire.

Update: Car still on fire

From the Desk of the Mushy Zombie

Dear Husband Who I Totally Married Almost Three (3) Months Ago,

Marriage - we did it!  We past the point where we can get an annulment - from this point on, it's forever!  (Or Mexico.)

I'm finally getting ready to start on our thank you cards but wanted to thank you first as without you proposing to me, no wedding would have really taken place.  Without your existence, our love would just be me in some pajama pants and a Duran Duran shirt singing made up 80's jingles to the amusement of people that don't exist.  (I used "existence" and "exist" in the same sentence - that kind of bad writing shows how important you are to making me not look insane.)

Reasons Why You, Mr. McAwesome, is McAwesome:

• You find the hot glue gun when I need to put dinosaurs in my hair
• You let me play bongos on your butt - clothed or nakey
• You build me robots
• You made me a light switch for my closet and presented it to me by saying, "Do you like Frankenstein switches?"
• You listen to my wonderland metaphors that have no point but have plenty of references that even Uatu wouldn't understand
• You don't read comic books but you watch comic book movies with me
• You are hip like an English muffin
• You let me say things like "after 5ive attire" on our invites even though nobody and maybe one other person who watched RuPaul's Drag Race that week knew what that meant
• Our continual work on the McAwesome hi5ive
• The fact that in the past, I would have made the above up as a silly throwaway but you made it for really reals
• You make my life not okay, good, fine or even just awesome, but McAwesome

And also, because you do things like this:

BTW, we once fought about this - WTF?

Fantasy Father League: Ron Swanson

A lot of kids have the fantasy of being adopted.  Most of those kids are losers because they have this fantasy and have both parents (such losers!)  

I am not a loser as I only had my mother, leaving me to create The Fantasy Father League.

Fantasy Father Figure #2: Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

Neva Reese and Ron Swanson in Annie Awesome

In my fantasy, I am thirty-one years old.  I am giving an interview for a documentary that has no purpose.  I am asked off camera, "Tell us what having Ron Swanson as a father was like."

I answer, "Ron Swanson nurtured my girlhood love of all things unicorns."

There is a cut to me displaying my very proud collection of unicorns.  I am in a glittery unicorn sweatshirt, all smiles as I point out some of my favorite unicorns.

I continue answering, "Every time I received a new unicorn, I would thank him.  And that's when the debate about what unicorn meat would taste like would begin.  Most of these debates ended with the discussion of unicorn bacon which we agreed would be the tastiest bacon of them all.  Then we would just eat regular bacon and call it a night."

There would be a cut to Ron, explaining, "I have a soft spot for kids, especially my own which is why I didn't have the heart to tell her that there is no possible way that unicorn bacon would ever be the tastiest bacon.  The tastiest bacon would of course come from a mythological animal called the picken - half pig, half chicken.  The picken is at once a Pawnee urban legend, the Pawnee mascot from 1929-1961, and a popular racist pejorative - used mainly from 1929 to 1961."

Parks and Recreation's fourth season premiere is on Thursday, September 22nd on NBC.  Support this shit.

They Fight Crime

Last year when Stephen J. Cannell (A*Team) died, I discovered something magical.

Tenspeed and Brownshoe.  

It starred Ben "Bye Bye Life" Vereen as a hustler slash detective nicknamed Tenspeed.

Got that?  Pretty awesome.

It also starred Jeff Goldblum.  As an accountant.  Nick named Brownshoe.

All three of those things happened on CBS in 1980.

Now, what could a show about a hustler slash detective with an impressive musical theater background and an accountant who would be a future Mr. Geena Davis be about?  What could they possibly have in common?  What could their relationship be?

Together, they fight crime.

Those four words punctuated by that comma and period encapsulate all that I find right in the world.  Inspired by this, I came up with my own Stephen J. Cannell series.  The brilliance of pairing up Ben Vereen and Jeff Goldblum had been used up, so what to use?  What did I have laying around at work to inspire crime fighting brilliance?

This also makes an awesome postcard.

My Outfit Today Says...Sheena

 

By popular demand, it's here!  My Outfit Today Says!  Print it out as a post card and let your loved one know they are McAwesome (and so am I)!

I gotta call my agency...no, not that agency, the modeling agency.  I got to make them coins, girl.

As You Wish

Interactive McAwesome Post!


I've been a married woman for two weeks now.  A lot has changed.  Like realizing there's no going back - the paper work would just be too much.  And that we would change nothing because our love is like one of the most McAwesome loves of all time.

Our love is like an AWESOME love story.

 I know every newlywed couple envisions themselves to be some kind of the most amazing love stories ever told, but Mr. McAwesome and I - to harp on a point - were married by a robot.  That's the kind of decision only soul mates could come to.  It's the kind of love only found on an old Star Trek: The Next Generation plot.  Almost like Bo and Hope's psychic connection on Days of Our Lives.

Elle Woods interviews, "Despite Bo and Hope's special connection, Bo couldn't tell that Hope was really Princess Gina and under the evil Stefano's control."

Feh to that timeless love.  Our timeless love includes a giant, a drunken Spaniard, a six fingered man and, of course, Peter Falk.

Peter Falk: The Patron Saint of McAwesome Love and Voyeurism.

You see, earlier, I commented to Mr. McAwesome while shopping for Drain-o and toliet paper about my desire to eat hot sauce.  I wanted to cover the world in hot sauce.  In fact, I wanted to cover him almost entirely of hot sauce and lick it off - not in desire of Mr. McAwesome but of the hot sauce.


Mr. McAwesome whisked me away to Dona Rosa.  After sitting down with my margarita, he leapt to his feet and brought me this:

Four kinds of salsa.  AKA hot sauce.

Hit it, Pearl.

And then, when I indicated to which one I liked the most, he came back and presented me with more.


MORE.


And if that wasn't enough to rise to the occasion to be a love story for the ages, he introduced me to mole.  An experience that created Xanadu in my head.

Visual representation of mole.  Also, my new desktop background.

And that is why I shall answer any request Mr. McAwesome gives me with, "As you wish."

Klassy

Neil Jeff Gordon would be proud of the apparent boozing I did at my wedding.

Me with someone who matched my beer.  Mr. McAwesome was already in his robot boxer shorts inside talking to his grandmother.

CNN, YOU ARE NOT FULL OF MCAWESOME

UPDATE:  IF THIS GETS REPOSTED ENOUGH, WE WILL RELEASE OUR EXCLUSIVE ROBOT FOOTAGE TONIGHT.

While still in the throes of PoHoMoHO, I woke up to find a link on my Facebook wall that says, "Someone stole your idea..."

 This is very serious as I have awesome ideas.  Like Mornin' Booze - a place that is both cheap, classy and convenient to drink booze in the morning.

 

DO NOT STEAL MY MORNIN' BOOZE!

The idea in question was that of getting married by a robot.  See, when the McAwesome's married, we got married by a robot.  Mr. McAwesome spent three months scripting and designing a robot that I found at a thrift shop.

Before

AFTER

Our robot spoke, moved, interacted and - AND - played The Final Countdown.  We recorded the voice ourselves and tweaked it.  There were Easter eggs of Luke Skywalker and R2D2.  In short...

So when I got the, "Somebody stole your idea", my first thought was, "Yes, they did it in Japan a year ago.  It was kick ass.  We were the first in America."

Then I saw the link...

 

That?  THAT is not married by a robot.  THAT is married by a screen.  With a MAC voice.

We here at Team McAwesome (as soon as Mr. McAwesome wakes up) are LIVID.  LIVID!

Please spread the word that this is unacceptable. When you get married by a robot, you best be SURE that you are married by a ROBOT.  

That's the Married by a Robot guarantee - you will be married by a ROBOT.

McAwesome - A name you can trust to be married by a robot!
 

The McAwesome Family Crest

Those of you of British, Scottish and Irish ancestry are probably familiar with the idea - the family motto, the disembodied boars heads, the tartan. Somehow, the McAwesome family name got passed over.  Naturally, while suffering through PoHoMoHO, I did something about it.

 Let me get Clarissa on you and explain it all.

But where are the unicorns?

PoHoMoHO

Right now, I am sitting across Mr. McAwesome who is eating the remains of the Thai food I got this morning because I was not going to cook.  It's the last day of the honeymoon - the last day that anyone will actually care that recently, we combined to form The McAwesomes.

 Here's what I've learned about getting married -

• You will begin to hate the wedding.  
• You will start to hallucinate that your name is "Wedding"
• You will hate your new name
• You will stare at the registry and will it to buy you presents
• You will want to hit those precious girls you call your bridesmaids...
• ...until you remember the part about presents
• You will want to hit people who ask what to wear to the wedding
• You will begin to fuck with people who ask what to wear to the wedding
• You wish you didn't invite so many people
• You begin to love math.  People = PRESENTS
• You will hi5ive yourself as you have your belief confirmed that bridal magazines are stupid
• You will cry when you get your first presents...
• ...five seconds later, you will refresh the browser screen to see if anyone bought anything else from the registry

Now that it's all over, I'm in my kitchen.  I've been here all day.  It started off as a place to open up my laptop and get caught up on the internet.  Then I opened up presents that were sent here while Mr. McAwesome and I were out on our honeymoon.  Then I photographed those presents.  I organized them.  I made sweet love to them while no one was looking (and I used protection).

I have PoHoMoHO - Post HoneyMoon Hang Over. I am suffering from a glamorous disease.  I've had a week to relax and I need more.  I can't go back into general population tomorrow - I relaxed off just the wedding stress - I need to relax off all the pre-we (pre-wedding).  I was almost there yesterday - look at us!  LOOK AT HOW MCAWESOME MR. MCAWESOME AND I ARE:



Mr. and Mrs. McAwesome at The Top of the Mark in San Francisco....kissin'.

Today, I am wearing bunny slippers.  And I have a bug bite on my head that makes me look like a Gwen Stefani wannabe from 1996.  How the McAwesome have fallen.