Fantasy Father League: Ron Swanson

A lot of kids have the fantasy of being adopted.  Most of those kids are losers because they have this fantasy and have both parents (such losers!)  

I am not a loser as I only had my mother, leaving me to create The Fantasy Father League.

Fantasy Father Figure #2: Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

Neva Reese and Ron Swanson in Annie Awesome

In my fantasy, I am thirty-one years old.  I am giving an interview for a documentary that has no purpose.  I am asked off camera, "Tell us what having Ron Swanson as a father was like."

I answer, "Ron Swanson nurtured my girlhood love of all things unicorns."

There is a cut to me displaying my very proud collection of unicorns.  I am in a glittery unicorn sweatshirt, all smiles as I point out some of my favorite unicorns.

I continue answering, "Every time I received a new unicorn, I would thank him.  And that's when the debate about what unicorn meat would taste like would begin.  Most of these debates ended with the discussion of unicorn bacon which we agreed would be the tastiest bacon of them all.  Then we would just eat regular bacon and call it a night."

There would be a cut to Ron, explaining, "I have a soft spot for kids, especially my own which is why I didn't have the heart to tell her that there is no possible way that unicorn bacon would ever be the tastiest bacon.  The tastiest bacon would of course come from a mythological animal called the picken - half pig, half chicken.  The picken is at once a Pawnee urban legend, the Pawnee mascot from 1929-1961, and a popular racist pejorative - used mainly from 1929 to 1961."

Parks and Recreation's fourth season premiere is on Thursday, September 22nd on NBC.  Support this shit.