From the Desk of the Mushy Zombie

Dear Husband Who I Totally Married Almost Three (3) Months Ago,

Marriage - we did it!  We past the point where we can get an annulment - from this point on, it's forever!  (Or Mexico.)

I'm finally getting ready to start on our thank you cards but wanted to thank you first as without you proposing to me, no wedding would have really taken place.  Without your existence, our love would just be me in some pajama pants and a Duran Duran shirt singing made up 80's jingles to the amusement of people that don't exist.  (I used "existence" and "exist" in the same sentence - that kind of bad writing shows how important you are to making me not look insane.)

Reasons Why You, Mr. McAwesome, is McAwesome:

• You find the hot glue gun when I need to put dinosaurs in my hair
• You let me play bongos on your butt - clothed or nakey
• You build me robots
• You made me a light switch for my closet and presented it to me by saying, "Do you like Frankenstein switches?"
• You listen to my wonderland metaphors that have no point but have plenty of references that even Uatu wouldn't understand
• You don't read comic books but you watch comic book movies with me
• You are hip like an English muffin
• You let me say things like "after 5ive attire" on our invites even though nobody and maybe one other person who watched RuPaul's Drag Race that week knew what that meant
• Our continual work on the McAwesome hi5ive
• The fact that in the past, I would have made the above up as a silly throwaway but you made it for really reals
• You make my life not okay, good, fine or even just awesome, but McAwesome

And also, because you do things like this:

BTW, we once fought about this - WTF?

Fantasy Father League: Ron Swanson

A lot of kids have the fantasy of being adopted.  Most of those kids are losers because they have this fantasy and have both parents (such losers!)  

I am not a loser as I only had my mother, leaving me to create The Fantasy Father League.

Fantasy Father Figure #2: Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

Neva Reese and Ron Swanson in Annie Awesome

In my fantasy, I am thirty-one years old.  I am giving an interview for a documentary that has no purpose.  I am asked off camera, "Tell us what having Ron Swanson as a father was like."

I answer, "Ron Swanson nurtured my girlhood love of all things unicorns."

There is a cut to me displaying my very proud collection of unicorns.  I am in a glittery unicorn sweatshirt, all smiles as I point out some of my favorite unicorns.

I continue answering, "Every time I received a new unicorn, I would thank him.  And that's when the debate about what unicorn meat would taste like would begin.  Most of these debates ended with the discussion of unicorn bacon which we agreed would be the tastiest bacon of them all.  Then we would just eat regular bacon and call it a night."

There would be a cut to Ron, explaining, "I have a soft spot for kids, especially my own which is why I didn't have the heart to tell her that there is no possible way that unicorn bacon would ever be the tastiest bacon.  The tastiest bacon would of course come from a mythological animal called the picken - half pig, half chicken.  The picken is at once a Pawnee urban legend, the Pawnee mascot from 1929-1961, and a popular racist pejorative - used mainly from 1929 to 1961."

Parks and Recreation's fourth season premiere is on Thursday, September 22nd on NBC.  Support this shit.

They Fight Crime

Last year when Stephen J. Cannell (A*Team) died, I discovered something magical.

Tenspeed and Brownshoe.  

It starred Ben "Bye Bye Life" Vereen as a hustler slash detective nicknamed Tenspeed.

Got that?  Pretty awesome.

It also starred Jeff Goldblum.  As an accountant.  Nick named Brownshoe.

All three of those things happened on CBS in 1980.

Now, what could a show about a hustler slash detective with an impressive musical theater background and an accountant who would be a future Mr. Geena Davis be about?  What could they possibly have in common?  What could their relationship be?

Together, they fight crime.

Those four words punctuated by that comma and period encapsulate all that I find right in the world.  Inspired by this, I came up with my own Stephen J. Cannell series.  The brilliance of pairing up Ben Vereen and Jeff Goldblum had been used up, so what to use?  What did I have laying around at work to inspire crime fighting brilliance?

This also makes an awesome postcard.

My Outfit Today Says...Sheena

 

By popular demand, it's here!  My Outfit Today Says!  Print it out as a post card and let your loved one know they are McAwesome (and so am I)!

I gotta call my agency...no, not that agency, the modeling agency.  I got to make them coins, girl.

As You Wish

Interactive McAwesome Post!


I've been a married woman for two weeks now.  A lot has changed.  Like realizing there's no going back - the paper work would just be too much.  And that we would change nothing because our love is like one of the most McAwesome loves of all time.

Our love is like an AWESOME love story.

 I know every newlywed couple envisions themselves to be some kind of the most amazing love stories ever told, but Mr. McAwesome and I - to harp on a point - were married by a robot.  That's the kind of decision only soul mates could come to.  It's the kind of love only found on an old Star Trek: The Next Generation plot.  Almost like Bo and Hope's psychic connection on Days of Our Lives.

Elle Woods interviews, "Despite Bo and Hope's special connection, Bo couldn't tell that Hope was really Princess Gina and under the evil Stefano's control."

Feh to that timeless love.  Our timeless love includes a giant, a drunken Spaniard, a six fingered man and, of course, Peter Falk.

Peter Falk: The Patron Saint of McAwesome Love and Voyeurism.

You see, earlier, I commented to Mr. McAwesome while shopping for Drain-o and toliet paper about my desire to eat hot sauce.  I wanted to cover the world in hot sauce.  In fact, I wanted to cover him almost entirely of hot sauce and lick it off - not in desire of Mr. McAwesome but of the hot sauce.


Mr. McAwesome whisked me away to Dona Rosa.  After sitting down with my margarita, he leapt to his feet and brought me this:

Four kinds of salsa.  AKA hot sauce.

Hit it, Pearl.

And then, when I indicated to which one I liked the most, he came back and presented me with more.


MORE.


And if that wasn't enough to rise to the occasion to be a love story for the ages, he introduced me to mole.  An experience that created Xanadu in my head.

Visual representation of mole.  Also, my new desktop background.

And that is why I shall answer any request Mr. McAwesome gives me with, "As you wish."

Klassy

Neil Jeff Gordon would be proud of the apparent boozing I did at my wedding.

Me with someone who matched my beer.  Mr. McAwesome was already in his robot boxer shorts inside talking to his grandmother.

CNN, YOU ARE NOT FULL OF MCAWESOME

UPDATE:  IF THIS GETS REPOSTED ENOUGH, WE WILL RELEASE OUR EXCLUSIVE ROBOT FOOTAGE TONIGHT.

While still in the throes of PoHoMoHO, I woke up to find a link on my Facebook wall that says, "Someone stole your idea..."

 This is very serious as I have awesome ideas.  Like Mornin' Booze - a place that is both cheap, classy and convenient to drink booze in the morning.

 

DO NOT STEAL MY MORNIN' BOOZE!

The idea in question was that of getting married by a robot.  See, when the McAwesome's married, we got married by a robot.  Mr. McAwesome spent three months scripting and designing a robot that I found at a thrift shop.

Before

AFTER

Our robot spoke, moved, interacted and - AND - played The Final Countdown.  We recorded the voice ourselves and tweaked it.  There were Easter eggs of Luke Skywalker and R2D2.  In short...

So when I got the, "Somebody stole your idea", my first thought was, "Yes, they did it in Japan a year ago.  It was kick ass.  We were the first in America."

Then I saw the link...

 

That?  THAT is not married by a robot.  THAT is married by a screen.  With a MAC voice.

We here at Team McAwesome (as soon as Mr. McAwesome wakes up) are LIVID.  LIVID!

Please spread the word that this is unacceptable. When you get married by a robot, you best be SURE that you are married by a ROBOT.  

That's the Married by a Robot guarantee - you will be married by a ROBOT.

McAwesome - A name you can trust to be married by a robot!