This is my old chestnut compiled by myself and a dear old friend. Decided to dust it off and put it on the mantle next to my Hong Kong Santa.
The Xavier Holiday Rules
1. The mail comes in at 2 p.m. The mail is ready to be dispersed at 4 p.m. No one may touch the mail, i.e., the cards, presents, etc. until Bobby Drake, hereto forth known as The Mail Master is done sorting them under penalty of said Mail Master.
1a. And you are not allowed to take the Mail Masters Santa hat for a very cruel game of Keep Away.
1b. Especially if you are a hot red head. Because you enforce that all girls are gorgeous and cruel and you will ruin me for other girls.
2. When Santa's elves are at work, they must not be disturbed. If they happen to be working in the TV room at the same time as Danger Mouse is on, that's your loss.
2a. Only one person has ever called Wolverine "Santa's elf". They are not currently living. Any questions?
3. Eggnog is of the strong and only for the legal.
3a. No, Bobby, we know that's a fake ID.
3b. Same goes for Kitty, Tabitha, Sam, Berto, Doug and Jubilee.
3c. An no fare waiteng untillll wee r tu derunk to kare...we wll knew n teh morngngn!
4. Tree decoration is on December 20th, in the afternoon, over mulled wine. In the event of supervillain attack, it may be postponed to the morning of the 21st.
4a. Home-made decorations are allowed. However, no decorations may be added that are designed to do any of the following: Explode, implode, open portals to alternate dimensions, broadcast signals to the Mojoverse, radically alter the biochemistry, physiology or mental state of those in proximity, or convince Banshee that the tree is actually Black Tom, back for
vengeance.
4b. While edible decorations may of course be hung on the tree, it is recommended that you hang them at a height greater than six feet and four inches from the ground, this being the maximum height to which certain of the mansion's residents have shown themselves capable of reaching.
5. You are not allowed to sing THAT song. THAT song includes references to "five golden rings" and a partridge who is not David Cassidy.
5a. You are not funny by changing the words to include monkeys mating and ending with "And a bald professor scowling at me!"
6. When Doctor McCoy is concocting Mama McCoy's Special Christmas Cake, the kitchen is officially off limits to everyone except his Loyal Sidekick. This replaces and supersedes all previous versions of Rule Six.
6a. That said, if you somehow find a way to interfere to any degree with the mixture for Mama McCoy's Special Christmas Cake - desist. Cease to even contemplate such a foolhardy venture, lest punishments most grievous be visited upon you.
6b. As a result of the exact ingredients in Mama McCoy's Special Christmas Cake, it may not be consumed by any residents or guests under the age of eighteen. No exceptions.
6c. Anyone violating rules 6 or 6a. will be scheduled an extra two hours in the Danger Room, on New Year's Eve. And be forced to eat Betsy's Christmas lardy cake.
6d. Only one piece, though. We're not monsters.
6e. If I ever get my telepathy back, the first thing I do will be to find out exactly who it was wrote rules 6c and 6d, and take appropriate steps. Fair warning, boys.
7. Never ever was there anything lovelier than a tree, with tons of tiny white lights looking back at thee. (Translation: Multi-Colored lights are icky.)
7a. As such, do not make Mr. Summers put up the Christmas lights and assure him that they are all white lights. You are not clever and he will hunt you down. Please see rules 6c and 6d for an indication of what may happen.
8. Professor Charles Francis Xavier, holder of a D.Phil from Oxford University and degrees in Psychology, Genetics and Biochemistry, the world's most powerful telepath and founder of the Xavier Institute is an individual of unimpeachable gravitas and dignity. As such, anyone discovered to have placed tinsel upon his wheelchair will suffer dire consequences. I trust no
more need be said on this matter?
8a. Clearly, at least a little more need be said on this matter. If you ask Henry politely, I am sure he will show you the photographs he took of what happened to Robert and Warren in December of 1997.
8b. The above also applies to any kind of fairy lights, streamers, paper chains and brightly-coloured baubles.
8c. How about little beanie Kermits in Santa hats?
8d. The little beanie Kermit in his Santa hat is a unique privilege granted to Jean time out of mind. Trust my word that you are not capable of replicating the feat by which she earned the aforesaid privilege.
8e. What if I put on a red wig and mini-skirt?
8f. No, Robert.
8g. Might I?
8h. No, Henry.
8i. And a preliminary, “No, Jubilation.”
8j. …and I really didn’t think I needed to, but seeing as how it has already happened, no, Guido.
9. When in doubt, use rules 8f, 8h, and 8i. And most definitely 8j.
10. Do not mock the Christmas cookies. You might find this rule strange, but it is not the
wrath of the cook you should fear, rather, the telekinetic prowess of the cook.
10a. And Hank, please don’t take it personally, but 8h. I do not think I know of a single person that can stomach peppermint cherry gingerbread. And I can’t do it anymore. It was fun when I was sixteen and stupid, but I’m not going to be twenty-seven and stupid.
10b. Et tu, Bobby?
10c. Nihil declare. Except, really, no more. I will take lardy cake over that any day.
11. We* here at Xaviers’ realize that there are a variety of religions hosted under this house
and that in no way should anyone feel pressured into celebrating the Christmas holiday. That said…Logan, you cannot grump around and then eat all the good Christmas candy.
11a. No, Logan, being grumpy isn’t a religion. There is no St. Grinchus who steals into the homes of those with Christmas treats and sucks the joy out of the holiday by stuffing himself full. I must insist that you stop falling asleep at the television while drinking.
11b. You also cannot base a religion on a DVD copy of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and ask that we spend Christmas in our way, and you can spend it in yours (all explicatives deleted, of course.)
11d. (Illegible handwriting)
11e. Because you could somehow pull it off, Logan, that’s why. Please refrain from ruining Christmas for the rest of us.
11f. (Illegible handwriting)
11g. Warren’s annual betting Robert that he couldn’t finish off all of Henry’s peppermint cherry gingerbread is not ruining Christmas. It is, sadly, a time honored tradition at Xavier’s’. Not a proud one, but the roots to the baking of, the drama of the, “I am never doing this again”, the bringing out of Warren’s checkbook, the way Robert’s eyes light up at the sight of all the zeroes, the devouring of the vile bread, the drama that unfolds as we wonder if Robert will make it to the bathroom in time, the amazement that vomit can be telekinetically suspended for a small amount of time, the tragedy that unfolds when we learn that we shouldn’t test Jean’s concentration during these moments…
11h. (Illegible writing)
11i. I like to think of it as more of a “PSA” than a vomitorium, Logan.
*Please see rule 22.
12. Please refrain from using Robert Drake as a guinea pig for your cooking. We are not sure if it’s the past trauma of seasons past or if Robert just has a generally weak constitution, but be assured that there will be dire consequences.
12a. Yeah, like having your favorite sweater ruined because SOMEBODY thought the boy could handle tandoori chicken. I thought ya had more training in accuracy than that, Frosty Flakes.
12b. Jubilee, I assure you that my attempts to feed Bobby Indian food was more of a way to get him out of my kitchen. And I’m fairly sure the jumper you were wearing was far worse on Bobby’s eyes than my food was on his stomach.
12c. Please stop pouting, Jubilation, you know Betsy is correct.
13. Do not attempt to put Warren on top of anything.
14. Do not sing “Frosty the Snowman” around Bobby. It only encourages him.
15. Each year, we* elect a staff member to portray the red hatted saint of the season. Please do not stuff the ballot box just because you feel that you are best suited for the role. You are a doctor, Henry, and the stereotype is fitting.
15a. Henry, this is not “1776”, you are not John Adams and for god’s sake, Henry, sit down!
15b. Also, you will notice that there isn’t a write in vote on this ballot. Please do not take the opportunity to make one. Your request for a “Shirtless St. Ewan MacGregor” will go unheeded.
15c. …who put in “Shirtless St. Bea Arthur”?
*Please see rule 22.
16. Robert, relocate that carrot this instant.
16a. I apologize, Robert. Betsy, relocate that carrot this instant.
16b. …in a fashion that is not becoming of Amsterdam, please.
17. Contrary to popular rumor, “The Snoopy Dance” is not what Wolverine does best.
18. If you wish to put a stocking up by the fire place, feel free to go ahead. Please do not take this as an invitation to go on a panty raid.
18a. Xavier’s will not reimburse for any stockings lost in the shenanigans of others at this school. You are telepaths and one of you is a former telepath and a ninja -- frankly, Betsy, while I am in no expert in lingerie, I am fairly sure you are being ripped off, if your quote is correct. Is this for a pair?
18b. PER?
19. While you are welcome to buy for whomever you want, there will be a Secret Santa gift exchange among the faculty and students of Xavier’s. Please pay strict adherence to the $50 limit.
19a. Since the inclusion of 18b., the only persons allowed to buy for Ms. Elisabeth Braddock are Warren Worthington, Emma Frost, myself, Tony Stark or the Catholic Church. Bobby, please quit your job at Taco Bell – Betsy doesn’t need that leather specialty item that badly.
19b. I heard that, Betsy, and I am a bit disturbed, frankly.
19c. No, Bobby, you are not to buy her it. I don’t care if she promised she would show you how to use it. And, once again, I am disturbed.
19d. Please see 8h.
19e. Just all of you…stop disturbing me. Or no egg nog this year.
20. Bobby is not your personal Snoopy Sno-Cone maker. And no, you cannot use mine. You never clean it after you use it.
20a. Please don’t go to Storm after I turn you away. It only makes her upset…and wanting a Sno-Cone and I have to give her one because she can use my head as a coaster.
21. I know that we* all have our own ways of celebrating Christmas and some of you celebrate it in a more private fashion. In any case, if that is where you wish to put your Santa hat, Remy, please do so where no one else can see.
21a. Please see 19e for further reference for those who thought it would be prudent to copy Remy.
*Please see rule #22
22. When I use the term “we” or “all”, I mean “everyone except Logan”. I.e. “We wish you a Merry Christmas” or “I know all of us are infused with holiday cheer”.
23. Ororo and Robert are more than happy to provide you with the snow we* all wish for the holiday season. They are not so obliging at three a.m. I do not care if, as you say, Jubilee, “he was just playing Worlds of Warcraft with some dork in Calabasas in his undies” – no. (And please put on some clothes, Robert. And please see me later as we talk about some of your uniform choices.)
*See rule 22
24. Hannakuh and Christmas pageants are welcomed by all*, and most certainly, creativity is paramount when you are retelling the miracle of the oil lasting eight nights and the story of Baby Jesus. However, last year’s “Christmukkahkwanzaa Extravaganzaa” was in bad taste. While I applaud the efforts of Team Christmas in casting a black Baby Jesus, I am concerned as to how Pam Greer was convinced to reprise the part of Coffee, who I was not even aware was a witness at the birth of Christ.
24a. Charles Xavier does not have script approval of the Christmukkahwanzaa Extravaganzaa. And, in light of 19e, is not allowed to do anything that disturbs us in turn. Pam will not be back this year. Thanks, Professor.
25. After the egg nog, mulled wine, spiked cider, hot toddies, and other spirits have been served, please refrain from hooting and shouting out lewd edits as the senior staff reads “It’s a Wonderful Life”. For further information, please refer to rules 19e, 24a, 8f, and 8h-i.
25a. Jubilee, please see rule 8i about your request to read for Jimmy Stewart’s role.
25b. Jean is always Donna Reed. Always.
25c. Betsy gets to be Donna Reed’s role when Jean cannot be located.
25d. Betsy, please refrain from locking Jean in the bathroom, you know that it won’t work longer than just a few seconds.
25e. Betsy, please put that military supply catalogue down, it’s not really all that worth it.
25f. Betsy, stop saying you’ll do the performance in only your stockings and put down the egg nog.
25g. Bobby, stop encouraging Betsy.
25h. Hank, stop encouraging Betsy.
25i. Scott, stop encouraging Betsy.
25j. Remy, stop encouraging Betsy.
25k. Xi’an, stop encouraging Betsy.
25l. Warren, stop bragging about Betsy.
25m. Jean, do not fight with Betsy. It only makes it harder.
25n. RULE 24A!!
25o. Please stop giving me egg nog.
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