Help desk ticket

I wrote the following help desk ticket today. If anyone has any follow ups, please let me know.  Nitro is AWESOME! If you edit PDF's, they are the BEST. (Especially if they answer my questions.)

The question?  What is this thing:

Baby otters are comedy geniuses.

In the 80's, bears that emoted through their stomach tattoos were popular. So as a kid, I didn't want to just be the funniest person alive, I wanted the Care Bears to think I was funny, too. Because if a Care Bear thought I was funny, that must mean I'm really funny.

I no longer care too much whether or not Care Bears would think I am funny. I found a new standard of which I measure comedy. Not man, not woman, but baby otter.

That's the "What Mom Never Told You" podcast theme in the video from How Stuff Works. Their podcast on Nancy Drew rocks so hard.

Baby otters are comedy geniuses. They must be. After hanging out with Care Bears, having someone laugh at something I've done as non-stop as I do when watching baby otter footage has got to be one of the most intoxicating goals I have. It's so impossible, but what if?  What. IF!

Man...what if they replace Andy Samburg on SNL with a baby otter?  Don Pardo would saying, "Featuring...Baaaaaby Otterrrrr!" and everyone would be talking how they totally discovered Baby Otter by hanging in until the very end of the show, and then Baby Otter will get this slow, loyal fanbase until its franchise. Imagine, being in a theater for two hours laughing non-stop at the brilliant comedic stylings of Baby Otter!

Baby Otters are funnier than us all.

Abracadoodoo

Just samba crossed Mr. McAwesome who was on the toliet while singing an elevator version of Steve Miller's biggest toliet baby, "Abracadabra".

X-Men Holiday Rules

This is my old chestnut compiled by myself and a dear old friend.  Decided to dust it off and put it on the mantle next to my Hong Kong Santa.

The Xavier Holiday Rules

1. The mail comes in at 2 p.m. The mail is ready to be dispersed at 4 p.m. No one may touch the mail, i.e., the cards, presents, etc. until Bobby Drake, hereto forth known as The Mail Master is done sorting them under penalty of said Mail Master.

1a. And you are not allowed to take the Mail Masters Santa hat for a very cruel game of Keep Away.

1b. Especially if you are a hot red head. Because you enforce that all girls are gorgeous and cruel and you will ruin me for other girls.

2. When Santa's elves are at work, they must not be disturbed. If they happen to be working in the TV room at the same time as Danger Mouse is on, that's your loss.

2a. Only one person has ever called Wolverine "Santa's elf". They are not currently living. Any questions?

3. Eggnog is of the strong and only for the legal.

3a. No, Bobby, we know that's a fake ID.

3b. Same goes for Kitty, Tabitha, Sam, Berto, Doug and Jubilee.

3c. An no fare waiteng untillll wee r tu derunk to kare...we wll knew n teh morngngn!

4. Tree decoration is on December 20th, in the afternoon, over mulled wine. In the event of supervillain attack, it may be postponed to the morning of the 21st.

4a. Home-made decorations are allowed. However, no decorations may be added that are designed to do any of the following: Explode, implode, open portals to alternate dimensions, broadcast signals to the Mojoverse, radically alter the biochemistry, physiology or mental state of those in proximity, or convince Banshee that the tree is actually Black Tom, back for

vengeance.

4b. While edible decorations may of course be hung on the tree, it is recommended that you hang them at a height greater than six feet and four inches from the ground, this being the maximum height to which certain of the mansion's residents have shown themselves capable of reaching.

5. You are not allowed to sing THAT song. THAT song includes references to "five golden rings" and a partridge who is not David Cassidy.

5a. You are not funny by changing the words to include monkeys mating and ending with "And a bald professor scowling at me!"

Our Wedding Plus Video

One of my dearest and sweetest friends, Elisa, blogged about our wedding (in which she provided a super-heroic amount of help and direction and polish) on her blog, Events by Elisa.  Also, it had the first link to exclusive robot footage of the wedding itself.

Behold.

Want more?  We'll think about it.  It was a very special moment in my life ruined by an umbrella post.

Reasons Why Watching Xanadu is Better than Watching the Republican Debates

In 2004 and 2008, I was a Presidential debate junky. I watched the debates on television, through live streaming video, and listened through podcasts.  That may be close to eighty hours of my life given to Presidential debates.

In 2006, I had discovered Xanadu for the first time.  I watched Xanadu on DVD, laserdisc, and at three different movie theaters.  That may be close to eighty hours of my life given to Xanadu, which does not include my repeated playing of the soundtrack.

Now that it’s 2011 with a Presidential election just a year away and the cast of Republican hopefuls have less chemistry than Olivia Newton-John and Michael Beck, I can’t bring myself to watch the debates.  I would definitely be down to watch Xanadu.

Let’s break it down.

 vs.

Epic battle!

The plot of Xanadu: Failed artist builds a roller-disco after falling in love with a Greek Muse (Olivia Newton-John). Also starring Gene Kelley.

The plot of the Republican Debates: Failed politicians build an image of a thriving America where the rich are taxed less and public programs are shut down. Also starring Ron Paul

Verdict: The idea of an America thriving without the help of Planned Parenthood, special education funding, and Ira Glass is more ludicrous than the idea of a roller-disco.

The star of Xanadu: Who to choose? Music crossover sensation (at the time) Olivia Newton-John? Beloved entertainer Gene Kelley? Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn?

The star of the Republican Debates: Who to choose?  Pizza cross over sensation, Herman Cain, he who hopes that by saying that sexual harassment also happens to men it will happen to him?  Beloved entertainer Rick Perry?  Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn?

Verdict:  It is – and will always be – Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn.

The point in Xanadu where I lose myself:

Click here

The point in the Republican debates where I would have lost myself:

Verdict: Which one had Solid Gold Dance Icon Darcelle Wynn?

When Gene Kelley went to work on Xanadu, he was a professional. As a highly regarded actor and director, Gene Kelley knew Xanadu was not destined for greatness but brought his talents to the fullest while on set and script that had him dance around in a life sized pinball machine. In the end, even with his public disdain for the production values, Xanadu has not tarnished his legacy. 

Verdict: Any cast that has Gene Kelley in it is way more worth my time than any cast that has a guy that earned the nick named “Ass Juice’.

Married & McAwesome Memories

Mr. McAwesome and I look forward to a lifetime of cherished stories that we will tell loudly, drunkly, and pubicly well into our golden years.  Won't you help us collect:

Married & McAwesome Memories

            

My married friends, the Turtledoves, has a story they love to tell.

            “It’s a pink food processor!”

            “It’s pink!”

           

            “We found it on clearance – “

            “Yeah, we found it on clearance!”

            “And we were all, “…huh!  This is on clearance!”

            “We were all huh!”

            “We found a store clerk and asked him, “Uhm, excuse me – why is this on clearance?”

            “And then he said this, he said this – “

            “’It’s pink.’”

            “It’s pink!”

            In the House of McAwesome, we will someday have a story we will love to tell.

            “It’s was an even bigger mess!”

            “Big mess!”

            “It’s cheaper to repair it yourself.”

            “Yeah, we repaired it ourselves.”

            “And she was all, “…huh!  You’re doing it yourself!”

            “She was all…huh…”

            “We then heard a sound and I asked him, “Uhm, excuse me – why did my car do that?”

            “And then I said, I said this – “

            “It’s on fire!

            “It’s…on…fire.”

            We will love to tell this story in a time, hopefully soon, where my car is still not on fire.

Update: Car still on fire